Timmerov's Blog: November 2015

Timmerov's Blog

Monday, November 09, 2015

snoring

sometimes i wake up with unusual ideas in my head. the beautiful and talented alisa calls it detritus. i like to pronounce it with the accent on the long i in the middle. anywho, i was accused of snoring. ha! i think i'd know if i snored. sheehs. anywho, why do people snore? they're dreaming of a more innocent age. when they were infants suckling at the breast. skeptical? consider the typical snorer's pose. head back. mouth open. blissfully unaware of everything around them. much like a baby. so now the cure for snoring should be obvious. drop a bare boob on their face. like duh. i ran this idea past my wife. she said, nice try.

¶ 8:00 AM

Sunday, November 08, 2015

homeospermathy

so i was lying in bed next to the beautiful and talented alisa. feeling very relaxed. if you know what i mean. i was thinking that some small amount of my seed was spilled. and was aerosolized. and mixed with the air under the covers. which mixed with the air in the bedroom. which mixed with the air in the house. which mixed with the air in the neighborhood. and the county. and the state. and the nation. and the world. according to homeopathy, my seed gained potency with every dilution. which means that if homeopathy is correct, i've just knocked up every woman on earth. holy christ. you should take a pregnancy test right now. and then a paternity test. and if i'm the father of anyone's baby, i'll take back every mean thing i've ever said about the idiots who believe this shit.

¶ 8:00 AM

Friday, November 06, 2015

marigateway

marijuana is a gateway drug because anti-marijuana fervor made it so. everyone knows someone who uses marijuana. they know someone who does a lot of marijuana. with no apparent ill effects. so they try it. and discover first hand it's nowhere near as bad as the propaganda makes it out to be. a reasonable person could conclude that if you lied about marijuana then you might be lying about meth and heroin too. and try them. and uh oh. those really are as bad as advertised. but now it's too late. they dooooomed. on the other hand... prescription opiates really are gateway drugs. cause where's an addict to go when their doctor cuts them off? honestly, we'd have a much smaller social crisis if doctors prescribed marijuana instead.

¶ 8:00 AM

Thursday, November 05, 2015

tesla

suppose we hadn't bailed out gm. it's not like people were going to stop driving cars. or stop buying them. and if a certain unprofitable, poorly run company hobbled by unfavorable contractual obligations wasn't around, what cars would we have bought? we spent $50 billion so we can keep buying the same piece of shit carbon burning crap we've been driving for 100 years. yeah a bunch of people would have lost their cushy gm jobs. but they'd have gotten new jobs building cars for whatever company replaced gm. suppose we had given that $50 billion to tesla at $22/share in 2009... we could have sold it this year at $220/share. which, lemme do the math here, instead of a $10 billion loss, would have been a $500 billion profit. and we'd all be driving teslas today. thanks obama.

¶ 8:00 AM

Wednesday, November 04, 2015

christie

early in his career chris christie embraced bi-partisanship. this demon haunted him for years before he finally slayed it. but then along came a natural disaster. and with it, the mother of all demons. beg pardon, president mother of all demons. didn't mean to offend. anywho, they shared a public display of affection. and shortly his political career died on a bridge. in short, chris christie is beowulf.

¶ 8:00 AM